Introduction: The Quest for Belonging

Let’s be real: finding friends who actually lift you up can feel like trying to build the ultimate squad. You know, the one where everyone has each other’s backs, fills in each other’s gaps, and makes the game feel a little less hard.

There are plenty of people out there, but only a few will actually fit into your team in a way that makes you feel steady, supported, and seen. And if you’ve ever walked away from a hangout overthinking every word, silently asking yourself, “Do they even like me?”— you are not alone.

On the surface, teen friendships can seem simple: pick nice people, hang out, send a Snap. But teens know (and parents sometimes forget) that friendships are more like a championship team than a casual pick-up game—they’re high-stakes, emotionally loaded, and sometimes feel like you’re constantly being evaluated.

For a lot of teens, being social doesn’t feel energizing. It feels… like a chore or practice drills you didn’t sign up for. Constantly decoding hidden meanings, side-eyes, or whether that “LOL” in the group chat actually meant someone was laughing out loud (or subtly throwing shade) can drain even the most resilient player.

There’s a very specific kind of exhaustion that comes from being around the wrong people. It’s not the “I stayed up too late scrolling TikTok” kind of tired. It’s a quieter, bone-level drain that signals your body is sending you a message: this isn’t the right squad.

So let’s talk about friends.

Not the Instagram-story, perfectly curated kind. Not the kind you collect so you don’t look alone at lunch. Not the kind you keep around out of habit or fear.

No, let’s talk about the friends who feel like rest. The ones who don’t drain you. The ones who actually make being around people feel possible — and sometimes, even good.

Let’s talk about how to find those people — the ones who refill your energy instead of draining it, who build you up instead of stretching you thin, and who help you feel like you actually belong.

Because those friendships exist. And you deserve them.

Why Some Friendships Feel Like a Phone Battery That Won’t Charge

Before choosing your squad, it helps to understand why some friendships are draining. At Patch Counseling, we see teens experience social fatigue for a few common reasons:

1. Social Anxiety Makes Every Interaction Feel Like a Tryout

Teens often feel like they’re under a blazing spotlight tracking every move and thought. This self-focus is normal; during adolescence, your brain is wired to figure out who you are and where you fit. But social pressures, comparisons on social media, and constant peer feedback loops make the spotlight feel relentless. Even positive moments can stress your brain, which runs like a 50-tab browser window of overthinking. No wonder it feels exhausting.

2. Masking Burns Energy

Many teens train themselves to be “the funny one,” “the calm one,” “the easy one,” or “the one who never makes things awkward.” However, anytime you feel like you have to be a version of yourself instead of your real self, your battery drains fast. This is called masking because it’s exactly what it sounds like: putting on a character mask and performing within that role… all. day. long.

But underneath the mask is a real person who’s quietly hoping someone will see and accept who they actually are.

Image 1 from StockCake; Image 2 from iStock

3. You’re Hanging With People Whose Energy Fights Yours

You don’t need clones to form a squad. But if you’re sensitive and reflective and your “friends” thrive on chaos or joking at others’ expense, your body will let you know. Muscle tension, stomachaches, or sudden urges to go home are your nervous system’s way of saying: this isn’t your crowd.

4. You’re Trying Too Hard to Fit In Somewhere You Weren’t Built to Fit

Not every space is shaped for your energy, and forcing yourself to fit will only make you feel smaller. The right squad—like a good team—feels easy, natural, and energizing. They’ll feel like “oh… there I am.”

Choosing Your Squad: What Healthy, Supportive Friendships Actually Look Like

When you find the people who are right for you — your squad — you feel more like yourself. Research shows that supportive friendships can:

Lower cortisol (your stress hormone)
Reduce anxiety symptoms
Improve self-esteem
Boost motivation and academic performance
Increase emotional resilience
Protect against depression

These types of friendships tend to share a few things in common:

1. They feel easy in the best way: Not that the friendship never hits bumps, but the day-to-day vibe feels natural. You don’t feel like you're “onstage.”

2. They add energy more than they drain it: You leave feeling a little more alive, not like you need to go lay in a dark room and listen to sad music.

3. They celebrate your wins instead of competing with them: You don’t feel like you need to shrink so someone else can shine.

4. They listen — really listen: Not the passive “yeah, yeah” kind of listening. The “tell me what happened next” kind.

5. They respect your boundaries: You’re allowed to say “no,” “not today,” or “I need space,” without it turning into drama.

6. You can have quiet moments: If you can sit together in silence without it feeling awkward, that’s a green flag.

7. You feel safe being honest: You don’t have to hide the parts of yourself that feel messy, complicated, or unfinished.

How to Build Your Squad

Finding good friends can feel like everyone else already has their team while you’re still picking players.

The truth is, a lot of people are faking it, guessing, or settling. So if you’re struggling, you’re not behind.

Here’s the good news: healthy, supportive friendships are possible, and you don’t need to change yourself to deserve them.

To help guide you in finding what — or rather who — you are looking for, let’s start with an art therapy intervention:

First, close your eyes and imagine someone who has been an ideal friend (not “perfect”— no one is). This person doesn’t need to be real or someone you’ve met; just picture what feels ideal for you.
As you imagine them, notice what you’re doing together. What words is this friend saying to you? How do they treat you? What kind of person are you when you are with them? How are they acting towards other people around you? Take note of how you think about yourself? How do you feel around them? Are you relaxed, happy, energized?
Now, grab a piece of paper and use shapes, colors, lines, words, or pictures to capture what you just pictured.
When you’re done, look away for 30 seconds, then come back and notice what stands out most about your picture. Does anything surprise you?

Image 1 from iStock; Image 2 from Adobe Stock

While imagining a hypothetical friend is helpful, growth happens when you try this in real life.

It’s one thing to picture it, and another to actually practice it. So let’s take this from “idea” to “action.” Here are some realistic strategies for building connections that feel genuine—and for learning to trust your own instincts along the way.

1. Start With Shared Interests

Clubs, art, gaming, robotics, music, volunteering—anywhere shared interests exist, connection happens more naturally. If your squad isn’t at school, try looking elsewhere.

2. Quality Over Quantity

A strong friendship with one person is more valuable than twenty surface-level ones.

3. Look for People Who Are Kind to Everyone — Not Just You

How someone treats classmates, teachers, and even strangers is a preview of how they’ll treat you long-term.

4. Match Energy, Not Aesthetics

Squads don’t need to “look” alike. Emotional fit matters more than social media vibes.

5. Listen to our Body

Your body is more honest than your overthinking brain; it often knows before your brain does if someone belongs in your squad.

6. Don’t ignore slow-draining red flags

Constant sarcasm, one-upping, guilt-tripping, or subtle exclusion — small drains stack up and can empty your tank.

7. Put effort where effort is returned

Are you always initiating plans or adjusting? That’s not a squad. That’s community service.

The “Friendship Drain Test”

Okay, so you’ve started building some friendships. Are you wondering if they hold up to the test of true connection?

Here’s a small, practical trick to try to understand if you’re people are actually you’re people.

After you hang out with someone, ask yourself:

Did I feel heard?
Did I feel pressured or relaxed?
Do I feel more myself or less?
Do I feel lighter or heavier?
Do I feel energized or exhausted?

Your body will often tell you the truth before your brain catches up.

But What About Online Friendships?

Online friendships matter just as much as in-person ones. Teens often connect through TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, Discord, gaming communities, group chats, or fandom spaces. And these friends are real friends.

But they follow a few different rules.

Social media can either strengthen your real-life friendships… or turn them into a weird stress test. A healthy dynamic means you’re not counting likes, over-analyzing who viewed your story, or feeling panicked because someone left you on delivered for three hours. Or worse, blocking and unblocking you every other day.

Aim for interactions that reflect how you treat each other offline: supportive, respectful, and not performative.

If you wouldn’t say it to their face, don’t post it about them. And if your relationship depends on maintaining a perfect online persona, that’s a sign the friendship needs a reality check.

Green Flags: They make you feel welcome, respect boundaries, don’t guilt-trip for delayed responses, and provide emotional support.

Red Flags: They make you anxious, pressure calls or personal info, get angry if you spend time elsewhere, or demand money or images.

A good online friendship feels like a safe space where your weirdness, anxiety, and interests are understood, just like a supportive squad in real life.

If You’ve Never Felt Like You “Fit In,” This Part Is For You

Some teens say:

“I’ve never found my group.”
“Everyone else seems to have fun, why not me?”
“I’m always on the outside looking in.”

And I want you to hear this:

You’re not behind. You’re not broken.
You’re just early.

Some people find their people in middle school. Some in high school. Some in college, or at a job.

If you haven’t found the right friends yet, it’s not because you’re unlikable. It’s because your people have a very specific flavor, and you haven’t crossed paths with them yet. And when you finally meet them? You’ll understand why nothing before felt quite right.

If Your Current Squad Isn’t Working

This part can feel tricky, but it’s really important. Sometimes a friendship or group just isn’t the right fit — and that’s not because you’re too sensitive or difficult. The goal isn’t to “cut people out” permanently, but to create space to protect yourself and see what friendships actually make you feel good.

You can try simple, temporary steps like:

Giving yourself a little distance from the group without drama
Protecting your emotional energy by limiting late-night texts or constant hangouts
Taking a break from connecting through social media in order to decrease comparisons of self to others
Stopping the push to force closeness if it feels unnatural or exhausting
Observing how you feel when you interact less, to notice which connections feel genuine

Taking a step back doesn’t make you a bad friend. Healthy friendships won’t crumble just because you need some space.

Friendship isn’t a competition—it’s trial, error, and growth. The right friends celebrate your quirks, respect your limits, and help you thrive.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve a Squad That Feels Like Home

Teen friendships in the teen years are complicated. They’re intense, beautiful, messy, energizing, draining, confusing, and unforgettable all at once.

But here’s the truth every teen deserves to know:

You deserve friends who don’t make you doubt yourself.
You deserve people who bring you peace, not pressure.
You deserve connections where you don’t have to hide your real self.
You deserve a squad that feels like home.

Finding the right friends isn’t about being perfect. It’s about finding the people who see your jagged edges, your quiet moments, your awkward jokes, your anxious thoughts, your loud laughter, your soft heart — and think:

“Yes. That’s my kind of person.”

Need Support Navigating Friendships?

Friendships can be complicated, and sometimes it helps to have a guide. If you’re struggling to understand your current friendships, feeling drained by your group, or want help building stronger, healthier connections for the future, our team at Patch Counseling is here for you.

Reach out today to schedule an appointment and get the support you need to find friends who lift you up, energize you, and help you feel like yourself.

Contact Patch Counseling

Additional Creative Tools for Teens

Here are some fun, hands-on and artistic ways to explore friendships and social dynamics:

Friendship Mapping: Draw a “web” of people you know, noting who energizes you vs. drains you.
Role-Playing: Practice social interactions or conflict scenarios with a trusted adult or sibling.
Journaling Prompts: Reflect on positive interactions, boundaries you set, and lessons learned from conflicts.

A healthy friendship feels safe, supportive, and balanced. Teens should feel heard, respected, and able to be themselves without fear of judgment, pressure, or constant drama.
Friendships can feel draining when there is constant comparison, people-pleasing, competition, pressure to perform, or when teens feel like they can’t be their true selves around others.
Teens with social anxiety can start by building connections through shared interests like clubs, sports, gaming, art, or volunteering, where conversation feels more natural and less pressured.
Common red flags include guilt-tripping, constant sarcasm, ignoring boundaries, one-sided effort, subtle bullying, and pressure to share personal information, money, or photos.
Parents can listen without judgment, validate their teen’s experiences, avoid forcing friendships, and help them practice boundaries, confidence, and communication skills in a supportive way.

Choosing Your Squad: A Teen’s Guide to Friendships that Energize, Not Drain